The French Wine Bear Classification System (FWBCS) is a system for categorizing bearish men by comparison with specific varieties of French wine grapes(sp. vitis vinifera).

The FWBCS seeks not to classify specific physical traits but to express the totality, the gestalt if you will, that is a bear. Thus, physical traits such as weight, height and furriness count in the classification but so do other factors such as age, maturity, personality, sexual tastes and how much chocolate one can consume at a single sitting. The basic principle of the system is to match one's own personal characteristics with the weightiness and character of a particular grape.

The Varietals

Any discussion of this system must commence with a listing of the relevant wine varietals and a very brief discussion of their characters. To this end, this author presents the varietal scale. Going from light to heavy, there are:

Chenin Blanc - light, clean, pleasant
Riesling - aromatic, dry and clean
Sauvignon Blanc - grassy, herbal
Gamay - light, fruity, goes well with burgers
Chardonnay - heavy, rich, buttery
Pinot Noir - clean, relatively light for a red, smells and tastes of cherries
Merlot - moderately heavy and complex, can be quite tannic
Cabernet Sauvignon - still heavier and more complex
Syrah - strongly flavored with great character, overpowering for some
Petite Sirah - somewhat like tar in a bottle, the perfect accompaniment to grilled steaks that have fallen into the charcoal and now resemble it

All of the grapes from Chenin Blanc to Chardonnay, with the exception of Gamay are whites. The rest are all reds. Additionally, there are three other varietals, Gewurztraminer, Viognier, and Muscadelle du Bordelaise, which will be reserved for specific purposes.

As stated above, the basic principle of the system is to match one's physical characteristics, maturity, personality and many other factors to the essential character and weight of a particular varietal. Thus, for example, a twenty year old bear who's just moved into his first apartment, is a sexual neophyte, hasn't developed adult interests yet and feels that the salad bar at Sizzler is the epitome of gourmet cuisine would be a chenin blanc. Conversely, a fifty year old bear who has experienced the world in all its infinite variety of pleasures and pains, whose body and soul bear the scars and wear of years and miles and who has a strong (some might even say objectionable!) personality would be a petite sirah.

The Modifiers

The three special varietals mentioned above may now be introduced. The first is gewurztraminer, a medium weight white grape with an intensely spicy aroma and flavor. Gewurztraminer is for those bears who relish the special thrills of accessorizing their personal lives with cages, rubber gloves, alligator clips, slings, too too tight cock rings and other such droll playthings.

The second of our modifiers is Viognier, a lovely floral white grape that conjures up images of flower-filled fields drenched by the beneficent Provencal sun. Viognier denotes the bear who simply adores chiffon for days. As long as it isn't lemon chiffon. After all, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

The last of our modifiers is Muscadelle du Bordelaise, a grape whose aroma has been described as resembling that of used kitty litter. Muscadelle du Bordelaise isn't truly a modifier but rather a kind way of describing those bears whom one finds less than enchanting. This author often finds himself thinking of his second boyfriend as a prime example of a muscadelle.

When using the modifiers, one may delineate the extent to which the modifier applies by the addition of various numbers of stars after the modifier. A bear who enjoys a mild spanking now and then might be a gewurztraminer*. On the other hand, a bear whose bedroom resembles a medieval dungeon would be a gewurztraminer******.

Some Examples in the Use of the FWBCS

Al Borland (not Richard Karn for whom this author lacks information)
Al is a lovely man, sweet, talented, intelligent, a bit lonely and with a few idiosyncracies. He's in his mid 30's, has a nicely trimmed beard, is of average height and has a little belly. In addition, he appears to have a hairy chest and possesses a posterior that would make an excellent pillow for a tired bear to rest his weary head against and contemplate the beauties of nature. Al would make an excellent chardonnay. If it were discovered however that Al owned a flannel jock strap and enjoyed sleeping with various Binford tools, then he would be a chardonnay/gewurztraminer***. If Al fantasized late at night about Tim in a tool belt using a Binford router on his delightful posterior, then he'd be a chardonnay/gewurztraminer******.

Commander Riker (once again, this is not about Jonathan Frakes for whom this author possesses no personal information)
Commander Riker is a relatively mature man who has seen it all and then some. After all, how many of us have eaten gach? He has attained high status in his professional life and has accumulated a number of triumphs and tragedies in his personal life, most notably his ill-fated affair with the sweet but dim-witted Counselor Troi. Despite these accomplishments which would tend to lend weight to his personality, Commander Riker is vain, somewhat selfish and a lightweight in love, giving his affection to whomever he beds more than once. Tut, tut commander. He is also relatively thin and pretty in comparison with most bears and his beard has a highly manicured look to it. The second in command of the Federation flagship is a gamay. This author feels however, that it would take only a slight push for Commander Riker to appear on the bridge in a uniform of red lame with perhaps a feather boa thrown in for accent and possibly to appeal to roving Klingon eyes. In that case, Commander Riker would be a gamay/viognier** or perhaps even a gamay/viognier**/gewurztraminer***. After all, Klingon genitalia may be as topologically complex as Klingon foreheads.

Bob the mechanic in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Bob is an older mature bear who has seen much of life. Despite being isolated in a remote corner of Australia for much of his life, he's a sophisticated gentleman who isn't afraid of a new experience or a new kind of love. Sweet, gentle, old-fashioned and masculine, he's the daddy bear that many dream of, secretly or not so secretly. Bob is a cabernet sauvignon but is also substantial enough to be a syrah.

In conclusion, this author hopes that you, the readers, will benefit from this new system for classifying those most fascinating and different of men, bears.

Drink wine!!!